Dangerous Curves

MOVING

2006-06-20T19:11:00.000-07:00

I have started a new blog. If you would like to read, please contact me at jgbutz51199@yahoo.com and I will provide the new link. Thanks.

Feeling Catty and Whiskey is GOOD!

2006-06-18T20:47:00.000-07:00

I don't wanna post. But I have to. So here's my post.

Whiskey is GOOD...

Whiskey is sweet when you get enough ......whiskey is smooth and always cool

Whiskey is soothing, and makes you feel all giddy and giggly and if you're the right person....whiskey makes you feel SEXY.

Whiskey has body....body that's fluid to the touch and tantalizes your senses...

Whiskey goes straight to your head and says if you love me, you'll hold on to me...or I'll flow into oblivion ....no pissing me away.

Whiskey can give you a headache, but you want more whiskey the next day...*snickering*....Whiskey is as clear and crisp as water. YUMMM...

Gimme more whiskey *giggling*

Another Day

2006-06-17T18:23:00.000-07:00

I'm missing Bear even more than usual this weekend. I think it's because of how things have been between us over the last week. I hate knowing he's angry with me. And I hate the way I feel because of it.

I've found that I can still follow rules and regimens despite what's going on, on the inside. And for me, at least, that means alot. But even so...I won't feel better until we settle the issues between us.

Today was, on the whole, a slow day. the weather's been a bit rough, so I did some laundry, went out for diapers, made dinner and watched Cheaper By the Dozen again. Yep, again. Just watched it last night.

Anyway, I have a spiritual report to write, and i'd best get started on it.

This Must Be Your Lucky Day In Hell

2006-06-16T20:14:00.000-07:00

Considering the way I feel, I'm surprised I'm actually sitting here, typing this.

What I really want to do is find something to slash my arms or legs with. What I really want to do, is run away somewhere, where no one will ever find me. I want to hide from this life, because it feels hopeless.

You know, it wouldn't have been quite so bad if he'd just answered. I mean, he IS the one who ordered me to come straight home, he IS the one who ordered me to contact him and he IS the one who said he would be waiting. Because he cares so much, you see. So much that he couldn't be fucking well bothered.

I feel like I'm on the receiving end of one ever lasting mind fuck.

But I'm still here, being the obedient little idiot, hoping that it means I'll still be his when the weekend is over. Sitting here, fulfilling his requirements....amid threats of being "flayed alive" if I continue the confrontational bullshit.

It reminds me of when I used to challenge my father...even if he hit me, I went right back at him, claws bared and aimed at the throat. I hated him so much.

But not this one. I love this one. So what is wrong with me? Why am I so angry at everything and everyone around me? I already know the answers; they are just too long and too complicated. And I now that what I'm feeling is probably wrong, and that I damn well want to be wrong. I can't wait to be proven wrong.

B*tching and Tagging

2006-06-15T17:04:00.000-07:00

First, the ranting.

Why do people who barely know me think it's their place to tell me what to do with every moment of my life? I've had people order me around about things that are none of their business, tell me to do things that they know zilch about...and on top of it, I have to listen to "accusing questions", which frankly...just pisses me off.

I've always been like this. I get pissed at control freaks who are controlling for the sole purpose of getting something THEY want. I don't have a problem with controlling people, but I do have a problem with that controlling behavior when it is self-centered. If, on the other hand, I'm being bossed around out of love or caring about me....that's just fine....great...I appreciate it, even. Order me to go bed because I need the sleep, not because you want to take the person I would be with otherwise away from me.

I know I'm not making alot of sense, but my point is....don't expect me to live my life a certain way because it's more convenient for you. Don't expect me to end relationships because you want everything for yourself. Above all, don't expect me to stick around and then call me weak if I don't, because I have chosen not to be uncared for.

That said, here's the tag I said I'd do from Padme
...hope you feel better after the weekend..

1. What is your favorite TV show? right now, I don't really have one. The only shows I really ever watch are Friends reruns, Who's Line Is It Anyway and House.

2. What is your favorite movie? hmmmm...I could NEVER choose a favorite.

3. What is your favorite color? at the moment, blue.

4. What is your best feeling in the world? Bear hugs and KWF's.....and tiny top kisses

5. What is your worst feeling in the world? Feeling nothing.

6. What is your favorite food? Does chocolate count?

7. What is your favorite junk food? Chocolate definitely counts here!

8. What is your favorite soft drink? wild cherry pepsi

9. Who is your favorite poet? Wow....I don't even know the names of any....yikes....

10. What is your favorite ice-cream? vanilla, or Ben & Jerry's peanut butter cup.

11. What is your favorite magazine to read? Prevention

12. What is your favorite place to go when feeling sad? safe, warm arms of a big burly Bear

13. What is your favorite sport? double talking and drowning people in sarcasm : )

14. What is your favorite holiday? Christmas = sparkly stuff!!!

15. What is your favorite sex position? sex...? what's THAT???

16. What is your favorite spanking toy? Bear isn't a toy *grins*

17. What is your favorite sexual aid? don't really have one..

18. What is your favorite Star wars movie? I haven't seen the recent ones...liked the first three, but don't remember alot about them, two of them came out before I was born.

19. What is your favorite time of day to have sex? seriously.....sex exists?

20. What is your favorite type of bondage? i think the only kind I've experienced is rope.

21. Who is your favorite group/singer? Have a thing for Emerson Drive this week.

22. What is your ultimate fantasy?? nothing special...a happy family, no more losing people, no more fighting and BS flying...and i want a little girl...a decent life and comfort.

23. What do you wish you were doing right now?? laying down.

24. On a typical Friday night... I blog, watch tv, make dinner, do chores. (fascinating life, huh?)

25. What is your favorite book? Wuthering Heights.

26. Who is your favorite author? used to be Stephen King...but i'm not allowed anything "horror" anymore.

27. Do you role play at all? If so, what is your favorite type of role play? Hard to say. I don't "role play" the way most do, in the sexual sense. But there are different age levels to my personality that are 'played' along with (for lack of a better word), and am at times required to wear school girl attire for discipline.

28. What is your favorite month of the year? August...some of the people i love most have birthdays that month (Bear, tiny top, my best friend)..and it's still swimming weather.

29. What is the most interesting place you have ever had sex?? probably an armory shower (big, big shower!)

30. What age were you when you lost your virginity? Six, maybe younger.

Calming...Sort Of..

2006-06-15T12:33:00.000-07:00

Obviously, I got ripped a new one.

One of these days, I'm going to learn to shut my mouth before it gets slapped off, and my ass granted the power to roast marshmallows.

~sigh~ ...I don't know that I'm to getting into the details without getting sucked back into something negative...but from around 3:00 p.m.-10:00 p.m., I cussed, fussed, complained, threatened and challenged. I said I was leaving. I wouldn't wait to be left...so I'd be the first to run. I said he had no right, no choice, no options.

And he made it clear that I was very, very wrong.

When I'm nervous or uncomfortable with something, I chew my nails and my hair. I accomplished enough nail chewing that he tied my wrists to my sides, with the rope threaded through the belt loops of my jeans. He doesn't say much when he is angry, and he didn't have much to say last night. Whether I would have admitted it or not, I knew the extent of his madness...and fought pathetically to avoid the eyes burning through me.

After a few minutes in this position, he released the rope from my jeans and moved my hands in front of me, tummy down on the bed. Bound at the wrists, my arms were pulled forward, and the rope angled beneath the mattress to prevent movement.

My jeans were lowered to just above my knees, my panties to mid-thigh. I'd felt hardened to him for the last 3 days, and I knew, unfortunately, that it would take alot to pull me out of the dark void I'd sunk into.

Yet, this time was different. The simple positioning of bound wrists and lowered jeans/panties was calming. I immediately began to feel my barriers weakening. I suspect I had hoped all along that it would come to this, that I wouldn't have a choice. I didn't want the choice. I certainly didn't need to be given a choice.

Bear positioned himself to my right side, and lined up a series of wooden implements, within my sight. It was comforting to know what was coming, and when...but the sight of those paddles sent my tummy into cartwheels. First came the coat brush. Not so bad, I can take this.

Quothe the Queen of Denial.

I soon discovered just how hard he was going to swing these implements of ass destruction. Within ten swats of the coat brush, tears were trickling down my cheeks, and I was bucking about the bed like a colt being broken in by a tough trainer.

I could see the swing of his arm, arcing high into the air, putting all his strength into every blow.

"I've only just begun, young lady."

Next came the Cracker Barrel paddle, then slimflex, and then the bamboo cutting board. Each time, I convinced myself that it wouldn't be so bad...and each time, I ended up squealing and squirming and begging for forgiveness.

By the time the big gun...er...big paddle was brought out, I pretty much laid there and bawled like a 3 year old....on through the bathbrush and belt. All I could do was cry and beg and say I was sorry again and again.

I was still fighting off a bad attitude, though relieved greatly, for the rest of the evening, and still am today. I'm not going to do anything stupid, and I'm trying to be respectful again...but even so, it feels like something is missing, and I don't know how to get it back.

Sinister Ensnarement

2006-06-14T11:27:00.000-07:00

Here's my required post for today. Nothing can explain my feelings better than this picture. There are no words, just these fears, this loneliness. I have nothing to say about it.

BLECHHH

2006-06-13T17:27:00.000-07:00

Where do I start?

I'm only doing this right now because I'm required to have a daily post. I've had 3 separate sets of auras today, followed by pain severe enough to blow my brains out for relief. And Bear seems a million miles away. He says he isn't pulling away, but I feel it. I've been completely out of line and completely out of sorts.

I really can't concentrate enough to do this. Sorry.

Late (Night) Tag

2006-06-11T21:27:00.000-07:00

Sorry SNN

.

This is a little late...

1. My ex is: the only ex that mattered is dead.

2. I am listening to: tiny top slurping juice.

3. Maybe I should: be in bed. It's 11:30 (oopsie).

4. I love: my family.

5. My best friend: is MEAN to me. :)

6. I don't understand: MATH!

7. I lose: my train of thought? What were we talking about again?

8. People say: that I should be in bed. :P

9. The meaning of my screen name is: rebelling against troublemakers.

10. Love is: family.

11. Somewhere, someone is: pooping?

12. I will always: be sensitive

13. Forever seems: like anything before tomorrow (I agree!)

14. I never want to: lose anyone I love again.

15. My cell phone is: dead, as usual.

16. When I wake in the morning: I pee glitter :)

17. I get annoyed when: people are judgemental

18. Parties are: fun, as long as they aren't obnoxious (am I growing up or something????)

19. My dog is: Gizmo, a self-righteous lil pekingese with big eyes and bigger mouth.

20. Kisses are the worst when: they're slobbery!!

1. Today I did: not much--messed around online, caught up on bible study, etc.

22. Tonight I will: get myself in trouble cuz i'm not in bed yet??

23. Tomorrow I will be: with Bear, and going to the doc, etc.

24. I really want: some chocolate (suffering from tunnel vision here...can't see past 5 minutes from now)

Icky

2006-06-11T19:47:00.000-07:00

I feel awful. Which really sucks, considering the last week or so, my health seemed to be improving. I even cleaned yesterday and today...i almost felt hyper. But, after a few hours of letting my mind go and stressing myself out (way to go, me), I got a headache that started in my neck and spread up the right side, and i feel like i'm gonna puke.

I have a doc appointment tomorrow to renew more meds and get some lab results. Not particularly looking forward to that. But am very much looking forward to everything else about mondays.

Hugs may not fix everything, but a Bear hug comes pretty darn close.

Submissive Little Faerie

2006-06-10T19:48:00.000-07:00

I've been really good today, flittering about in more than just my brain, but in the physical sense, cleaning the living room, sweeping the kitchen, vacuuming and cleaning the bedroom. That bedroom alone took almost 3 hours, because it's been months since I've cleaned it. I know, not good, but i never had the energy, blah blah blah....

I'm happy that I can do it now, and only had to stop to rest twice. (YAY!) :) Yeah, so it matters to me anyway.

After all was clean, tiny top came in and went straight for the rubbermaid with all the implements, pulled out a wooden spoon, gave me an evil grin and started smacking the round part of the spoon against the palm of his hand. I couldn't believe it. I don't know that he's EVER seen anyone do that. A true Top/Dom in the making.

We watched The Sixth Sense and then I caught a firefly crawling up the wall, and me and tiny top put it in a jar to watch it light up in the dark. Only it didn't light up...turned out it didn't have the light-up thingie on its butt. Guess somebody forgot to screw it in. :)

We took it back into the living room and let it walk around on the floor, and tiny top giggled like mad...till the damn dog decided it looked like a snack.

So now I'm updating here and making note of my *ahem* ..."nutrition" of the last several days. It's 10:00 and I'm supposed to be in bed. (cue "Bear Glare")

Not in the Mood

2006-06-09T21:29:00.000-07:00

Today is just one of those days, the kind that makes you want to bite off heads and spit them for distance.

The entire day has been a challenge to behave as required without earning myself a bitchotomy.

I'm having nightmares and urges that I'd best not follow. So far I haven't defiantly screwed up, but i haven't even begun my chore list, it's nearly two hours past bedtime, and i've barely eaten the last few days. What I did have was a major no-no.

I hope I can get back on track tomorrow. I've been told that i have three days. Well,, now I have two...and if this attitude doesn't straighten out quickly, I'll end up with marks to replace it.

To the blog mess- I'm not going to post about it. I'm not going to talk about it anymore, either. I like being there for people, but for now--1) I'm grounded because my attitude sucks anyway, and 2) I don't care. I'll listen, but not get involved. I just want a break from the world weighing on my shoulders. I don't mean to be selfish...I'm just tired.

I'm Back...I Think..

2006-06-08T20:43:00.000-07:00

Ok, it looks like blogger might behave itself for one night.

Sorry I haven't posted since last sunday, but things have been busy in one form or another. Monday was great. I picked Bear up from work around 10:30 and we came back to the apartment to pick up the cooler and a few miscellaneous items before going to the store. We got some more cast iron stuff, a flashlight, Bear a swimsuit, and a couple of beach towels. Then we got food and a few other basics, and headed out to the KOA. I was able to walk around that store for over an hour, a record for me in many months...so I was really glad to be doing that well.

We picked up Wendy's on the way and had realized we didn't even remember charcoal. DOI.
So we said screw it, and went for a swim before heading out on a hunt for even more supplies. Of course, before the swim, I got my buns toasted thoroughly with Bear's hairbrush for a few infractions over the weekend. Thank God for cool pools.

Bear didn't want to go to the general store (he seems to think they are too expensive...I seem to think so what, they are convenient...something that gets me into trouble more often than not)...so we went to the nearest gas station and got Starbucks Strawberries n Creme fraps, a notepad and pencil, and guess what? They didn't have charcoal. So then we found a QuikTrip.

Guess what else? Half the displays were missing. Luckily we found the charcoal hiding on the lone display rack. So we went back to the cabin and Bear put me to work cutting potatoes for the mashed potatoes and chopping onions while he made the salisbury steaks and gravy and rolls. He popped open the can of crescents and said, "UM, I need your expertise."

My who?

Oh, I could tease him QUITE expertly.

But I don't think that's what he meant.

He had no idea how to put the roll in crescent roll. I only knew how to put in the crescent.

So we fumbled around with strips of dough, trying to figure out which end was up and out and under and...somehow, we made it look familiar.

We sat at the picnic table and played yahtzee while dinner cooked. And after dinner, we cleaned up a little and sat on the porch swing and just enjoyed the evening air. Bear told me about the different kinds of birds and we saw a feral cat (who got me into trouble by enticing me to throw bites of steak to him)....

Then Bear showed me how to make S'mores. He put two marshmallows on a stick thingie (shut up), and showed me how to hold them close over the coals until they began to brown. Then we squished them between graham crackers and hershey bars and went back to the porch swing while we got lost in s'moredom.

We ended up going to bed after 11 p.m., after Bear swept out the bugs and critters. I fell asleep quickly, having done more that day than I was used to, but happy and feeling pretty good. I woke up around 4 a.m. with a headache so bad i thought my head would explode, and the joints in my right arm felt swollen. I took some baby aspirin (all we had on us) and went back to sleep after alot of whimpering...only to wake up again to thunder and howling winds at around 5:30.

Well, at least i knew then what caused all that pain. Bear got out of bed and went on a safari for dishes and dry goods, bringing in everything we had left outside the night before. And we had left EVERYTHING outside the night before. I'm terrified of severe weather, and of course being in a little bitty one room cabin the size of a very large tent didn't help that phobia one little bit. So there I was, clinging and whimpering and whining like a 3 year old. To make matters worse (in my spoilt opinion), i really needed to pee. I mean REALLY needed to pee.

And I was NOT happy about the fact that the clouds could piss a rainbow and I had to lay there and hold it until they were done.

When it finally stopped, Bear clomped on his shoes, grabbed the flashlight and led me by the hand out to the bathroom (i'm glad he's a patient bear...), and i got in far too big of a hurry.

i still had on my swimsuit, so i had to take off my shirt to pull down my suit before I could sit on the toilet. Problem was, I pulled the suit down with too much gusto and fell face first into the stall door, which invited itself to the opportunity of flying open and catapulting me out into the middle of the bathroom.

I've never been so happy to be in an empty bathroom in my life.

We went back to bed, neither of us having slept well enough, and woke up again around 9:30 a.m. Bear started breakfast- a combo of polish sausage, hominy, onions, and potatoes- and told me to stay in bed until it was done. I ended up getting permission to get out of bed so i could go pee again, and afterward we had breakfast with orange-pineapple-banana juice. We started cleaning up, and I had to retire the idea of loading anything into the truck that i could, because my shoes were wrecked with mud from the flood that carried away everything Bear didn't bring inside before the storm hit, and no way could I walk barefoot on the gravel. Believe me, I tried. And when Bear forgot and told me to load the garbage bag into the truck, I whimpered and squealed all the way.

We came back home a little after noon, and hung out for a while. It was really great and I wish we could do it every monday. I know that isn't possible with work and such...but I loved it. I loved being outdoors, talking and playing with Bear and learning things I've never known. The simplicity of cooking on a grill, identifying birds, learning how to play games with dice and making s'mores with fireflies glimmering around us....It did my heart good. And it brought me closer to Bear. I hope he takes me again. (And doesn't kill me for all the whining I intend to do about it until he does)!

The last few days have been pretty decent. I'm feeling alot better compared to usual, save for a fit of muscle cramps through Tuesday...probably from actually doing something for a few days. Light activity for most is hard work for me still...but not so long ago, even that wasn't possible. I couldn't be happier to make the progress and feel better. Bear has played a large hand in healing my heart with his love and guidance. Things are finally getting better. And I am looking forward to living.

WOW

2006-06-08T19:19:00.000-07:00

*Looking paranoid*

Ok, so if I post something, will it disappear into the bowels of Blogger's indigestion?

I'm afraid to hit the red button.

~presses publish and prays fervently for a pulse~

Getting Ready

2006-06-04T18:37:00.000-07:00

Sunday is almost over, and the camp out is tomorrow. :) I guess I wait until Bear calls me to pick him up in the morning. He gave me a few simple chores to get done, and as of 8:40 p.m., they still aren't done. (eep?) ...it isn't much, just find my swimsuit (already found two), make sure the cooler is clean and get some stuff from the kitchen. Yeah, yeah...same list, not getting much smaller!

I've been feeling pretty decent this weekend. I know I'm getting better mostly due to not having the constant stress and worry that I used to have about Bear. I'm finally beginning to really trust him....way beyond any trust I felt before. It's amazing how just feeling secure and loved and protected has begun to heal so much. I know now that I'll get better as long as this is true. I don't even doubt that he'll show tomorrow, when before I would have been a bundle of nerves and anxiety.

I picked this little thingie up from D'anerah
today. Go check her out- she's finally back! :)

Look at the following words and say the first thing that comes to mind:

Fraud :: Bullsh*t

Cure :: love

Slate :: clean

Pretentious :: rude

Splendid :: God

Geek :: Bear (might get smacked for that one)

Blister :: burn

Pizza :: Paddy

Revive :: Faith

Visionary :: Future

Spiritual Post...if offended, you may want to skip...

2006-06-03T11:31:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning feeling anxious. I've had nightmares as far back as I can remember, but it has been a long time since I experienced something of this magnitude. Most of it drifts about my brain in a fog several hours later, but the central theme was something....evil. I've long felt that something less than holy was trying to hurt me, in sleep, in faith, in health, and in family. I believe I came "face to face" with this being last night.

I realize I'm not making much sense at the moment, but it's very difficult to put something based more on feeling than anything else into words. The only things I really remember from the dreams was heat, hatred, and fear. A screaming creature with a fury so intense that I felt consumed..it was other-worldly. I've never seen or felt anything so terrifying, but at the same moment, it seemed inviting...as if it welcomed me.

I woke up from the dream, not because of fear as usual, but naturally...as if I hadn't just had the most frightening experience of my life. My body was ravaged with sweat and I couldn't get the blanket off of me fast enough. I felt empty and lost. But most of all, angry. I had urges to do terrible things that I've been long broken of. I wanted to feel a blade against my skin. I wanted to take a bottle of pain killers and wait for death to consume me.

I forced myself to roll over and try to go back to sleep, although after only a few hours, I felt wide awake and ready to self-destruct. I closed my eyes and told myself I wouldn't listen, wouldn't open them until I was either taken back into that horrible nightmare, or it was replaced with something sane.

This came to me this morning....

It never rained. The ground was watered with a mist that came up from the ground, and the conditions of the atmosphere were very different than they are now...before the great flood. The oxygen was plentiful, air was sweet and easy to breathe. People could live for hundreds of years in this atmosphere, and grow mighty and strong. There were fire breathing dragons....dinosaurs, with nasal cavities for the blowing of fire, much like little stink beetles who form their stink by combining gases stored in them. The gases in the air formed within the nasal structure of the dinosaurs and produced great fire and heat.

A terrible flood destroyed the environment and shortened both lives and stature, and made it impossible for the dinosaurs and fire-breathers to continue. Decay of carbon in the fresh environment was extreme, much faster than today, throwing off beliefs of the ages by millions of years. It was another world, but it was our own. I could see it all so clearly, and honestly believed I stood in the center of it all.

This time, I was overcome by a feeling of intense love wrapping around me, and now i know, whether my dreams make sense, have truth, or are simply silly flights of fancy....It will be difficult to stay on the right path, but on it I will stay. There is more than we know.

ho hum

2006-06-02T11:50:00.000-07:00

I used to crave change. But now it feels as if the world is changing around me, and nothing is ever the same...and even the things I believed weren't reality. In same cases good, some bad. Some just...not what I thought or expected.

I'm still tired alot, but today is an up day. I have a few chores to get done over the weekend, and I will do them carefully to ensure the trip on monday. I have to pull out the cooler and make sure it is clean, make sure there is laundry, find swimsuits and cutlery. We'll do the food shopping monday morning and then head out for 24 hours of relaxation, cooking outdoors, and swimming. I'm looking forward to it.

If mother nature stands in the way, she will get bitch slapped :)

Calm Thursday

2006-06-01T11:37:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what to talk about today. I'm trying to keep this blog updated and not let it get too far behind, but sometimes I really just don't know what to say. There was a time when I could reflect and analyze and write for hours, but of late, that's changed. My mind is foggy (with, as the Bear would say, an occasional bright idea), and I can't concentrate as intently as I once could. I think I need to delve into those submissive journal prompts I keep saving, but never getting around to, in my email inbox.

I've been given one week to get information together from all the local colleges, and start deciding on a major. I've procrastinated for too long, and the hammer has come down, the buck has stopped, my butt is bent, etc etc. Thank God for internet and printers. I knew this was coming, even as I pushed for it, because this is the 3rd time now that I've made the preparations to start school again, only to not act on it. This time, all information will be pre-determined and approved. I have the choice of picking out what I'm most interested in, but Bear will be helping me make the final cut and applying the hand (or belt...or paddle....) that gets it done.

Sometimes I'm ashamed that I have to get spanked like a little girl just to get me to do what I'm supposed to do. I know that will change with time (mostly), but in some ways...i like it this way. It's comforting to have a father figure for the first time in my life, who holds those feelings for me very strong and dear. That means the world to me...so sometimes I find myself clinging to it and testing it. I refuse to do something I should because it's my way of saying, "I don't want to be grown up about this. I need to be held accountable for my actions, but I also need to feel secure, because the world is too big right now and I'm afraid."

Yesterday was a good example of this. I allowed too much stress to accumulate, and I could feel myself getting out of control. My mouth was sassing left and right, and I knew before he told me that I was "full of teenage rebellion". I couldn't look him in the eye, knowing the look on his face would melt me beneath its heat. It's hard enough not to tremble by the feeling of those stern eyes alone.

He's made regular use of his belt over the last few weeks. The Belt transforms The Bear into a double team of authority. He wears it every day, and just the sight and sound of the leather leaving the loops produces a reaction deep in the pit of my stomach that spreads out like fire through my body and leaves me shaking visibly and hiding my face in my hands. I go across his knees, already fighting the urge to squirm as the tears form...before my panties have reached my thighs. I'm already crying softly, already trembling, already apologising. He knows the power he has over me with The Belt. A simple threat of its use produces an immediate lowering of head and eyes, and a quick change in behavior.

It wasn't always this way. It started the day he gave me the soundest thrashing of my life. The Belt now signifies something unique for me. The sight, the feel, the sound...all make me feel like a girl being chastised in the old fashion. A stern whipping for misbehavior from her "father". And Bear is very old-fashioned. He insists on hard work, education, respectfullness, feminity, and obedience. He would never want me broken by heart or spirit, but knowing to submit is important to him. I love the stability and security, and the gentleness and even playfullness when my behavior meets approval. I just love him. I love who he's become and what he means to me. It's what we have both needed for a long while.

I was belted this morning for lying. I didn't really mean to, it was more of a stupid thoughtless attempt to reassure myself that he loves me, even on days like today. I told him something, thinking I'd wait for his reaction and then tell him I was kidding. Except his reaction was a very angry one, and I was rendered speechless. He was out of time for lunch, but he didn't care. He was going to haul me off to the bedroom and rip my butt raw. I stammered..."But I didn't do it...I didn't mean it....I didn't really...."

"SO YOU LIED TO ME."

Well, I hadn't really thought of it that way. But he was right. What I'd done was not allowed. So to the bedroom we went anyway.

He positioned me with my hands against the wall, bottom bared and jutted out as he removed The Belt and folded it.

I saw the swing from the corner of my eye, and braced myself (read: clenched up involuntarily).

:::WHAP::: :::WHAP::: :::WHAP::: :::WHAP::: :::WHAP:::

My hips jerked inward with every stroke, the tears began to flow, my feet danced on the floor beneath me. I was still sore from the whipping the night before for smart-mouthing and not getting to bed when I was supposed to. I'd gotten many licks with The Belt followed by 8 very HARD strokes for staying up late...all of which was accompanied by a firm lecture that alone would have reduced me to a puddle of remorseful tears.

The whipping was over. And i turned to face him. My eyes still downcast, I melted. I collapsed to my knees and wrapped myself around his leg like a kitten, whimpering into his thigh. After a few minutes, he placed the belt gently beneath my chin and "lifted" me into a standing position with upward pressure of the looped tip. I laid my head against his chest and sniffled while he petted my hair and kissed the top of my head.

"I have to go back to work in a minute, baby. You are to keep those panties down for the rest of the day, as a reminder of what you got disciplined for. "

I choked out a broken , "Yes Sir", and saw him off to work, taking every hug and kwf (our special "kisses") on the way.

That was a little over 3 hours ago, and my panties are down to mid-thigh, just as he left them.

And I thought I didn't have anything to talk about.

Is It Nap Time Yet?

2006-05-30T12:36:00.000-07:00

Yep, it's 2:30 in the afternoon, and I'm ready for a nap!!

Where do I start... yesterday was memorial day, so it was an early day. Bear called me to pick him up from work around 10:00 a.m., and we stopped at Sonic to get lunch. We had grilled chicken wraps and got tiny top a kid's meal, then drove out to a nearby park. We were going to go sit on a bench and have lunch while tiny top played, but I wasn't up to it. I'm hoping someday soon we can take him to the one with a water park and he'll actually get to play outdoors with someone who can chase him around. (hopefully, someday, that will be me).

We came back to the apartment and Bear read up on this blog, and we went to On A Stick
....we're big Jeff Dunham/Walter/Peanut/etc. fans. We got the new video- Arguing With Myself. If you haven't seen it, I recommend it. I'm not usually one for stand up, but this guy is very talented.

After lying down and resting for a while, we went to the movie theater at the Promenade Mall, to see RV. It was a very good movie. Then we went to Whataburger for dinner....more grilled chicken for me :)

We got home early, around 6 p.m., and back to rest I went. We came out long enough to watch a little tv and then to bed.

Overall, it was a very relaxing, fun day and I really enjoyed it. I spent roughly half of it feeling guilty that I couldn't do more to entertain Bear, and i know he says he understands...but sometimes I feel like I'm missing too much. I finally have the opportunity to do alot of stuff I never could before, but now I can't do it. Someday I will. Have to hold onto that faith. :)

I made one significant slip-up. I'd had fries (not exactly on my "allowed foods" list) with dinner, and my stomach told them to FLEE. I purged. The urge was just overwhelming, and drowned out the thought of consequences. It took Bear all of about 10 seconds to figure it out. Of course, he wouldn't assume (thank goodness there are some people who don't jump to conclusions without asking), so he said, "Is there something you need to tell me?"

CRAP.

I knew I was in trouble, but I laid on the bed, feeling like something was dragging me down. It was alot like sleepiness, but not. Does that make any sense? Doubt it, i didn't understand it either. I kept snapping and sassing...I was confused and couldn't concentrate. I finally made myself get up and turn on the light, which got some of the focus back. I got whipped with hand, belt and a bamboo cutting board. I cried, I squirmed, but I settled very quickly and just lay there. I felt completely submissive, but by the same token, I didn't have the energy to fight. When it was over, we said a prayer together for the changing of deleterious habits and learning of good habits. I always feel a closer connection to him after these prayers.

This morning he gave me directions to a KOA in a town up north, and I was to go to the general office and pay the $37 deposit on a room for one day and night next week.

"I'm gonna get lost"

"No, you won't."

"YES, I WILL!!"

:::GLARE:::

"Well, I am that dumb..."

"Or that rebellious."

HUMFF.

I'll show you. Which is why I got lost. That's my story anyway..... okay, so I'm really that stupid. It started with trying to go to the bank to withdraw some cash. Who ever heard of going to their bank and it not being there?

That's what happened to me. I went to our bank (technically a credit union), and while the building was there, the sign was gone, the people were gone...and there was nothing posted. HUH?? So I grabbed my cell and called the main branch, more than a little frustrated that I would have to drive halfway across town, then back again before going out to Catoosa.

"Umm, I'm at the bank on 81st and Lewis."

.....silence.....

"It ain't here."

......more silence.......

"Do you know where it might be??"

"Oh yeah! It just moved down the street a little bit. Go down and look by Arvest."

Okaaay. I crept down to a little building, several over, and there it was, in a little cramped place with no available parking. Why? Cuz after the employees got done parking, there was none left. Grr.

I made the drive up north towards Catoosa, missed it completely (do it every time), then after several minutes of not having a clue how to turn around on an interstate, I took one of those little spaces for police to park/turn around in. I got back where I was (so I thought) and took the first exit that said "Catoosa" on it. Well, I was going to Catoosa, wasn't I?

Figures there was more than one exit. And I took the wrong one, drove through town, couldn't figure out where I was, went back, saw another exit that said "Port of Catoosa" and tried that. I was back on the **** interstate. Luckily that's when I saw the CORRECT exit and the KOA sign. It went smoothly from there. I paid the deposit, and got back on the interstate. Then I went home the easy way (read: the way i recognised, NOT the long way).

So, like I said....It's early afternoon and I'm done. I just want to rest. Amazing how tired one can get just driving. Tomorrow we're going to wal-mart to find something cast iron for cooking and making a supply list, so I have to rest up and be ready to do a little walking around. (Call me grandma)-- :)

Stupid Video

2006-05-28T11:51:00.000-07:00

On eBay
Watch it now on Stupid Videos!

Meme

2006-05-27T18:27:00.000-07:00

Here's a meme...and yep, I'm tagging. It's a fun one.....

1. Who was your first prom date?

My first prom date was in 1995 during my junior year, and again in '96, senior year. My date to both proms was Adam, my boyfriend. The prom themes were egyptian and tropical. My dresses reflected the themes respectively - a gold satin gown with jewels and gold body glitter for the egyptian theme, and green sequined dress with matching sequined shoes for the tropical theme...both were full length. I still have the dresses. Junior year, we went to an after party at a friend's house, and senior year, we went to a boat party on the Mississipi river in Memphis.

2. Who was your first roommate(s)?
No one, really. I went from parents to here, to parents, and back again. I lived in an armory for a number of months, so I guess you could say I had several roommates, depending on who came and went.

3. What alcoholic beverage did you drink the first time you got drunk?
Budweisers, purple passions, and mudslides. The first time was at a friend's party in the 6th grade, around 1990. I remember the girls giving each other advice on how to give blow jobs, and drinking. We were about 12 years old. A friend and I decided to play a little game in which we would sit in the middle of the dark road in front of their house and wait for oncoming traffic, and whoever chickened and ran first was the loser. I remember a pickup that came through, and pulled over. There were two men inside and the driver threatened to get out and spank us. Or "whip yer little butts", in Arkansas speak.

4. What was your first job?
Babysitting the neighbor's baby, Molly, when I was 12-14. Without fail, she was always sick and they didn't let me know.

5. What was your first car?

Well, I've only had two. The first was a 1995 silver t-bird, two door with a sunroof and v8 engine. I got it in high school, and it clunked about four years ago.<>

6. When did you go to your first funeral?

When I was 3 years old. My great grandfather on my mother's side died at the age of 99 shortly after breaking his hip. I was the annoying little kid telling the preacher he couldn't be buried without his pipe and cane.

7. How old were you when you first moved away from your hometown?

20. Sort of. I ran away, jumped from friends to an armory, then back to Arkansas again. The closest to moving was when we came here the second time. I was 26, but still completely unknowing of how to get by.

8. Who was your first grade teacher?

Mrs. Brawner. I was teacher's pet. Aside from the typical "Does not pay attention", "Does not follow instructions", etc. She sheltered and babied me, even rocked me to sleep once in the classroom during recess. She knew things were bad at home, and I was exhausted. (The rapes and molestation were in full swing, from two family members, along with being forced to run three miles late every night. I had chronic headaches and was falling asleep in class every day). She would let me stay in during recesses to take a nap.

9. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane?

I've never been on an airplane.

10. When did you sneak out of your house for the first time, who was it with?
I didn't very often. My parents usually didn't care where I went or what I did, at just about any age.

11. Who was your first Best Friend and are you still friends with them?
My best friends early on changed with the school year, until I met Marcy in the 4th grade. She moved to Arkansas from Mississipi, and her first day of school, I'd been sick for over a week and hadn't been there, until that day. Her first memory of me is walking into our english class and puking right on my desk. It was the day of the county spelling bee, and an argument ensued between the english teacher and school nurse about whether or not i should go home. I had a pool party that summer, and she was on the invite list. We've been best friends ever since.

12. Where did you live the first time you moved out of your parents house?

Small-Town Oklahoma, in the armory.

13. Who's the first person you call when you have a bad day?
There's no one i can call to talk to when i have a bad day (no, not even the best friend). I usually hold out for my big brother.

14. Whose wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid/groomsman?
My best friend's. I was the matron of honor when she got married in Nebraska two years ago. I lost my shoe going up the stairs and almost fell (dang near took the best man with me).

15. What is the first thing you do in the morning?
Pee. (Well, you asked).

16. What was the first concert you ever went to?
New Kids on the Block. I was a kid. That's the only excuse I have.

17. First tattoo or piercing?

First piercing: earlobes at 6 years old.

Got a second set of piercings in the lobes a few years later. That's all.

18. First celebrity crush?
Not sure i've ever really had one.

19. Age of first kiss?
Five. His name was Corey, and I did NOT want to be kissed.

20. First crush?
Robbie. He was probably my best friend from 2nd-4th grade. We'd meet at the playground after school while my mother and his grandfather waited to pick up our brothers from a bus drop-off. He was jealous and didn't want me to go with other boys, but he had a girlfriend he wouldn't break up with for me.

21. First time you did drugs?
Smoked pot at a friend's house in the 8th grade. Her parents, a criminal psychologist and a piano teacher, were stuck in the 60's and openly allowed pot smoking in their home.

Tagging: TJ, Mija, Intricate, padme, SNN, whiskey.

Quizzes

2006-05-27T12:11:00.000-07:00

Your Personality Is Like Ecstasy

You're usually feeling the love for the world around you - you want to hug everyone.And while you're usually content to sit back and view the world with wonder...Sometimes you're world becomes very overwhelming and a little scary.

What Drug Is Your Personality Like?

You Are Rain

You can be warm and loving. Or cold and unwelcoming. Either way, you slowly bring out the beauty around you.
You are best known for: your touch
Your dominant state: changing

What Type of Weather Are You?

You Are a Peacemaker Soul

You strive to please others and compromise anyway you can.War or conflict bothers you, and you would do anything to keep the peace.You are a good mediator and a true negotiator.Sometimes you do too much, trying so hard to make people happy.
While you keep the peace, you tend to be secretly judgmental.You lose respect for people who don't like to both give and take.On the flip side, you've got a graet sense of humor and wit.You're always dimplomatic and able to give good advice.
Souls you are most compatible with: Warrior Soul, Hunter Soul and Visionary Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Your Linguistic Profile::

50% General American English

20% Dixie

20% Yankee

5% Upper Midwestern

0% Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Nothing Left to Hold Onto

2006-05-26T11:52:00.000-07:00

If I knew but yesterday

what I know today,

I'd have taken out my two brown eyes

and put in ones of clay.

If I knew but yesterday

it would never be my own,

I'd have taken out my empty heart

and put in one of stone.

When will enough be enough? Haven't I lost enough? Haven't I hurt enough? I don't know if I'll live from one day to the next. I don't know if I'll have anyone left who means anything to me. I try with all my heart to never hurt anyone, even those I feel guilty for hating. I hide it and try anyway to please them. But when will it be enough?

The ones I care most about leave me, or come so close to leaving so many times that I spend more time worrying about losing them than enjoying them. The only person who I can trust to stay with me is my son....and I am terrified every moment of every day, that somehow I'll lose him too.

The harder I try, the more I lose. I'm so lonely, all the time. The few things I had online, I was run out of. They weren't much, but they were taken from me, and happily so. It feels like the world is out to get me sometimes. And I have nowhere to turn.

I want to crawl into a hole and die. Maybe then i could make everyone happy.

Tag

2006-05-25T12:05:00.000-07:00

Got a tag from Intricate....
Getting it done now instead of next year like her LOL

I Said: I'll never give up.

I Want: On bad days, to give up. On good days, to learn about God, learn patience, and grow from the inside. I want my family to stay with me always. I want my little boy to be happy.

I Wish: for peace. On any level.

I Hate: lack of faith, and always being afraid.

I Miss: There's nothing to miss, except a few people I've lost.

I Hear: tiny top jabbering while eating lunch and watching cartoons.

I Wonder: when he'll take a nap, so i can lay down too.

Regret: not listening to my gut.

I Am Not: good with my hands.

I Dance: never.

I Sing: rarely.

I Cry: when my heart is broken or I'm very scared.

I Am Not Always: good at saying what I feel, instead of acting out in anger.

I Make With My Hands:nothing. My hands don't work well.

I Write: frequently. It's the only way I can express myself.

I Confuse: Evidently, everyone. Including myself.

I Need: to be loved unconditionally.

I Should: try harder.

I Start: only what i have to or need to.

I Finish: everything. I can't leave anything unresolved.

Unsure

2006-05-25T11:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was test day. We went to the hospital in Sapulpa and made our way through the maze to the lab (didn't even get any cheese). We sat down in the waiting area, and in two seconds flat, the goober next to me fell asleep. No one acted as if they'd seen us come in, which was weird considering they let us in and there was only one other person there. (who was also taking a nap) lol

"I'm sorry you guys have to wait." ...came from the nurse at the desk.

Bear's eyes popped open, then he snorted.

"what?"

"Well, we have to wait. So what?"

Keep in mind that Bear is hearing impaired, and he definitely said that loud enough to be heard. Not only that, he had a pdodi brush in his hand. For those who don't know what a pdodi is, suffice it to say it's a hairbrush with a big spanked butt painted on the flat side. And the big red ass was in perfect view to to the rest of the world.

So I made a grab for it, tried to at least flip it over, and he pulled it away, making it even MORE obvious to the general public, and went back to sleep. Old fart.

I got to do the same old, same old and sit at the desk, get the band around my arm and .....amazing for me......she took two vials of blood and I didn't feel a thing. The friggin' tape she put over the cotton ball hurt more. It took several minutes and alot of mineral oil (not to mention alot of complaining) before that strip of hell came off my arm last night.

I started feeling bad again afterward, and hadn't eaten since lunch the day before, so we went to Charlie Chicken for dinner. I had to eat liver. How rude.

Then we went over to the Sapulpa theater and went in to watch Over the Hedge. I don't know how long it took to get out of the truck, but I could feel myself drifting in and out...it felt like I was floating and my heart was pounding just sitting there. By the time we got inside and paid for tickets (and this is a small theater), I had to sit down in the lobby and recover. Bear said I was completely unresponsive to him for about 2 minutes, just sitting there and "fading".

The movie was cute, some parts were pretty funny. I don't think my heart was in it. I was already trying not to get more depressed, but events of the past week have thrown me in pretty deep. I can't think, I don't want to eat or sleep. I'm pretty much forcing myself to get through each day. And I still keep getting weaker. I keep thinking if I rest enough, it'll get better. But it doesn't get better. I can do less now that I could a month ago.

Sometimes I think I'd be doing the world a favor if I just died and got it over with, instead of trying to get better.

Tired

2006-05-24T10:26:00.000-07:00

Well, that was fun.

First I stayed up until 6 a.m. poking around on the net. I was tired, but I just didn't want to go to sleep. By the time I did, of course, it was very quickly time to get up.

So I had to sit through a lecture about getting sleep and healing, blah blah blah.

I guess I just don't care today. I've decided that what other people think doesn't matter...if someone can't believe me, that isn't my problem. I've been honest, laid the truth on the line. If that can't be accepted, it isn't my loss. There's a part of me that wants to bitch-slap those who have gone far enough to smugly proclaim that I'm not sick. To them I say, come live with me, look at me every day, watch what I do, where I go (if I manage to go anywhere), and sit beside me, holding my hand through doctor's appointments, exams, tests, side effects and symptoms. Then, and only then, may your opinion mean anything. If you try to make me look a fool, you will be the ones with your own filth spattered across your faces. The last thing I need is idiots telling me that I'm not sick, when there is documented proof as well as people who see with their own eyes, have done the above, sat through the appointments and asked questions, and cared. Those are the people who matter.

That said, I won't be posting anything tonight. We're going into St. John's at the Sapulpa hospital this afternoon for blood tests....I hate blood tests. And I hate that every freaking time we go in, I come out with more prescriptions. More pills. I'm sick of pills.

And yes, I'm whining about it. Get over it. This is my personal space for a reason.

I'm hoping to be able to see a movie afterwards. Whatever...i'm just gonna lay down until it's time to go. My attitude right now isn't worth blogging about.

Jaded

2006-05-23T22:48:00.000-07:00

God, I wish I could sleep.

I did pretty good nutritionally today. I had plenty of vegetables and plenty of water, but I still haven't convinced myself to drink the milk. Yikes, skim milk at that. I just can't get the hang of the idea that people actually drink milk with their meals. As if soda is such a natural choice *rolls eyes*

I've finally broken myself of the sodas...I mostly drank them for the caffiene, and once I discovered Coca-Cola Blak, I was hooked. So I had to go cold turkey as soon as I started. Thankfully one of my heart meds is also used in smaller doses to prevent migraines, (which I get when I don't have a caffiene buzz), so I have laid off of them for the most part without pain. Before I had to satiate myself with having to take the headaches to prevent the potential heart problems from the caffiene.

Dammit, I know I'm whining again. But I want to be a 28 year old, not a f*cking 88 year old. I've put off buying groceries for going on 6 days now because I haven't been able to do that much. First it was my back and hip hurting again, then some crap over the weekend, and since then..I don't know. I just know that I barely made it through a christian supply store to buy a Bible. The place wasn't even that big. I tried to act like I was okay, lagging behind even though I was trying to keep up, but I knew I wasn't fooling Bear. He kept giving me that look. The one that says, what the hell is wrong with you -you gonna die in a book store?

Ok, so maybe it wasn't callous, but I wasn't completely there.

I said I wasn't going to whine about it on my blog anymore, didn't I? Well, it's not like I have anything else going on. Kind of hard to talk about my day when my day is: Got up feeling like crap, laid on the couch feeling like crap, spent time online feeling like crap, watched tv feeling like crap, went to bed feeling like crap, and laid there feeling like crap with a pair of open eyes all night.

beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

We're sorry. The brat you're trying to reach is out of order. Please try again later.

A Better Day

2006-05-23T11:07:00.000-07:00

Things have changed a bit, and for that I'm glad. The past several days have been difficult, and I'd been obsessing over the damage off a friendship that I held very close to my heart.

I posted here yesterday, upset because my links had been emailed from one person to another, and I was essentially being followed around the net. The day before, I'd sent an email to the friend telling her to let me know how much I owed her, and she would be paid back. But I hadn't gotten a response...

Until yesterday afternoon. My email had, admittedly, been cold and angry. Distanced. When I saw she'd emailed me, I held my breath and prepared for the worst....that she would tell me to f*ck off, or that she was going to try to sue me, etc. But it wasn't like that at all. She told me how she'd felt about everything, and said she had no part of the public bashing her friends had thrown at me on that forum. While i was upset and felt that i deserved better than that, she was upset and felt SHE deserved better than the way I treated her. In fairness, she is right. I didn't tell her myself, I didn't email, although I did call once. I was ashamed of not being able to make the trip, and then heart broken when I thought the three of them posted that thread together, giggling at me just for spite. It wasn't the public accusations, which were outright defamation...because I haven't cared for that site in a long time, and was only there to keep her there. I thought if I left it, she too would leave and our relationship would disappear. The other two, I don't care for and never really have. I always felt guilty for feeling that way, and thought that this week, I would see something more likeable than what I had in the past. The lying and harrassment, however, sealed the deal and proved to me that yet again, my instincts were right.

The friend and I have begun the process of hashing things out in private. And while I discuss my private life here, I choose not to publicly display the details. This is between she and I, no one else. I will say this: I'm glad I heard from her when I did, because I was quickly becoming bitter. But both of us were severely hurt, both of us are confused, and both of us are having trouble trusting now. Maybe we can work through it. I hope so. She meant more to me than she could know.

Alot of assumptions have been made on both our parts, and now we're pretty much sitting around questioning each other. But if that's how you get through it, then so be it. That's okay. The hardest part is that every day, there has been something that I've wanted to tell her about, cry on her shoulder, listen while she cried on mine, and end the conversation with both of us feeling better for it, and usually laughing over the whole situation. Not this time. So all we can do is yell and fight and ask questions until we resolve it. Time will tell.

On another note, we ventured out to Mardel yesterday, and bought a bible. New American Standard, black/brown leather. I started reading today.

I just don't know about anything right now. The depression was finally starting to lift a little, but this weekend, it came crashing down around me all over again. I'm trying not to let it pull me back in.

Life is Sweet

2006-05-21T11:51:00.000-07:00

A new day has half gone, but I don't have much to blog about (not that I ever did). I've gotten a tremendous amount of support from friends and acquantainces, and all is well.

I was so heart broken to lose someone who really meant something to me, but when I realized that she was only out to hurt me, I accepted the fact that she never was my friend to begin with. A friend would never pull the tripe of the past few days.

I also now know that she doesn't have a leg to stand on. I knew from the beginning that accepting help from a friend, even back then, was risky. I knew that at the first hint of the friendship going sour, she could use it in an attempt to hurt me. But I have what proof I have, and there are medical records to prove the malignant hypertension, etc. However, I don't need them. I never recieved a dime for any of it, and never asked a soul. She has nothing.

I was taught to release my anger and forgive as best as possible. That is what I must do now.

Tiny top is napping, so I think I'll go curl up with him and *reboot* . xxxx

A New Home

2006-05-20T21:32:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am. I deleted my other blog and moved here. If you want to know what happened, message me and I will send you the link. For now I am tired, angry and thoroughly disgusted. There is little worse than having someone you trust turn on you and try to hurt you for spite.

I don't know when I will get back to blogging regularly again. I've been told that I shouldn't let them "run me off". But I want their filth off of me.

Good night.